Combat Bikini
by MKRG
Summary: Regulation Schmegulation. When Vala wants to wear something, she's going to wear it.
1. Chapter 1

**Combat Bikini**

The mercenaries grumbled among each other as they checked their weapons. The sounds of clicking and cocking interrupted the natural cacophony of the jungle. Muddied boots stamped heavy footprints into the soil of the lakefront, but they paid them no mind. Their area was secure and their guard was, for once, down. Five of them, clothed in rags the color of jungle, stood with their backs facing the water. The group was preparing for a raid on the nearest settlement.

None noticed the dark cloud in the water looming toward them. It would have been easy to spot had they been looking. They ignored the sounds of fish and other predators flopping about in the water behind them. The indigenous animals of this world posed no threat. Just ten feet off the bank, a round, black shape broke the water's surface. It slowly rose up, stopping only to reveal a pair of eyes protected by goggles. The owner of said eyes surveyed the group then made a decision.

Without disturbing the water, her weapon cocked beneath the surface. Had the mercenaries been watching, they would have seen the red glow of her gun beneath the water as it signaled its readiness to fire.

000

Mitchell adjusted his position. The branch he was currently perched on was awfully hard and scaly. Not one of the more pleasant trees he'd had to climb. He was stomach-down on the foot-wide tree limb, binoculars held to his eyes by one hand while the other steadied him high above the ground. Both of his elbows, bare because of the jungle heat, were raw from scraping against the tree bark.

His enhanced vision showed him a perfect view of the bank where his targets mulled about. Likely they were discussing strategy while they got ready to hit the next village. It would be the fifth one this week if they were successful. The call for help came as soon as the second village was victimized by what was described as a surly group of offworlders. The natives didn't have much in the way of defenses, but had plenty in the way of allies. It was a perk of having one of the most fruitful fields in this sector of the galaxy.

Carefully balancing his weight, he loosened his single-handed grip on the tree and tapped on his radio. "I see her." He maintained his binoculars' focus on the dark black spot in the water, just behind the mercenaries.

A soft crackle sounded, followed by, "I got her, too." Daniel's voice.

"She is preparing to fire." Teal'c's voice. Mitchell noted the red glow of her weapon being armed. Along with two other SG teams, Mitchell's teammates were scattered about the jungle. A few, like he and Daniel, were up in the trees, a regular set of monkeys. The rest, such as Teal'c, were well-hidden among the jungle growth at ground level.

Mitchell swatted at a fly by his ear. Sweat matted his hair down beneath his soaking-wet cap. It was miserably hot and humid in this tropical region of the planet. He hoped that this would end soon so he could go home and take a nice, cold shower.

Despite his inner complaints, his eyes never left the scene he was monitoring. He used his one hand to keep the radio channel open in case things got even hotter down there at the lakefront. Her plan was good, but nothing ever went to plan in this business. He swatted at another fly as he watched her swim closer to the bank, only goggles and dark hair showing above the surface. Mitchell could tell when her feet found the ground beneath shallow waters by the way her head moved.

"Get ready to jump in," he said quietly into his radio.

000

Daniel was on the other side of the bank, sitting in the 'L' made by a tree branch and its trunk. The limb was wide enough to be comfortable as he sat with one knee up and the other leg dangling. He chose this tree because of its natural scales that acted as hand- and foot-holds as he climbed.

He held a pair of binoculars to his eyes, watching Vala creep closer to their targets. Judging by the way the mercenaries paid her light splashes no mind, she probably had this covered. He was ready to jump down and help her either way. This was one of those times when he was really glad she was on his side. Those men were about to get a big surprise.

The sound of light padding on the limb next to him pulled his attention away. A monkey-like creature had appeared and was staring at him. Daniel chose to stay calm and simply stared back. Within seconds, the animal decided that Daniel wasn't interesting, worth eating, or much of a threat. It stalked off.

His radio sounded. "Well I'll be a monkey's uncle," Mitchell muttered.

He directed his eyes back toward the bank. Someone whistled into the radio. She was standing up now, just a couple feet off the edge of the bank. Her bare ankles were still obscured by the muddy water. He followed the trail of her white legs up, wondering what exactly she was wearing. She had pants on the last time he saw her, at the quick briefing just before this operation started. Her long legs were topped off by a teeny little pair of camouflage-printed swim bottoms.

Unwillingly, his mouth dropped open. His eyes automatically surveyed the rest of her. Her stomach was completely bare, breasts scarcely covered by a matching camouflage bikini top. She had kept her hair loose, but it was swept behind her shoulders and was dripping wet. Her goggles were pushed up onto her head, allowing a good view of her face. The look of seriousness in her eyes matched that of the huge gun held squarely in her two arms. It's red indicator light glowed bright as the business-end was aimed at the mercenaries ahead of her.

A big surprise indeed. If the gun was too water-logged to fire, then at least her skimpy little bikini would distract them long enough for the teams to get there. Daniel jumped down from his perch and cocked his weapon.

000

She didn't bother to say hello. Her finger pulled the trigger and a loud shot of energy blasted out of her gun. The fire blew a hole straight through the mercenary in the middle. He toppled over like a log. Vala continued firing. With a wide swinging arc of her gun, she blasted three more mercenaries with direct hits. They fell over in various, unseemly pieces.

One of the men had leapt out of the line of fire, behind a tree. His weapon now aimed for her head as she shot down his companions. Just the smallest bit of pressure on the trigger and she would be dead.

Suddenly, the feel of cold, hard steel on his temple made his finger relax. "Drop your weapon," said a male voice.

The mercenary's eyes darted to the side. A second person was aiming a gun at him, looking very serious. He dropped his gun, and it made an ineffectual plop on the moist jungle ground. Someone pulled his arms behind him and bound them at the wrists. A hand pushed him to his knees.

The woman lowered her weapon once she saw that he'd been subdued. She took a few steps out of the water. Her feet were housed in a pair of water shoes that sunk into the mud of the bank. Beads of liquid rolled down her bare skin. Another man emerged from the trees.

000

"Vala." Daniel clicked the safety on his weapon and sheathed it. He approached her position, keeping a wary eye on the lone mercenary being tied up by Mitchell and Teal'c. Daniel stepped into her personal space to whisper in her ear. "What the hell are you wearing?"

She couldn't help but grin.

Mitchell finished with the mercenary and directed his attention toward them, while Teal'c led the prisoner away with SG-15 on his six. "_That_ is not regulation clothing!" he called out with mock-indignation. Vala's grin grew wider. Daniel shook his head. Mitchell made his way over to the pair. "Woman, you are nothing but trouble."

Vala looked down innocently. "I couldn't exactly find _regulation_ swimwear in the locker room, Mitchell. So I brought this instead." Daniel and Cam followed her gaze. She was right out of a fantasy. Soldier woman in a bikini, holding the biggest honkin' space gun you ever seen.

"Where are the rest of your clothes?" Daniel asked.

She turned to point at the other side of the lake. The motion had her twisting and revealing the backside of her bikini. Unwillingly, the boys continued looking down instead of where she was pointing. "Over there, on the other bank." Vala turned back just in time to see their eyes darting back up to her face. She donned a sly smile. "You know, for a jungle this hot, the water is awfully cold." Eyes briefly darted down to her breasts then back up. "It would be quite a swim to go back there and get my clothes," she complained.

Cam and Daniel glanced at each other. "We'll get you new ones," Mitchell replied. He took the gun out of her hand and nearly dropped it. It was heavier than he thought. He turned away quickly and hurried off toward the gate.

Daniel crossed his arms. "You can't walk into the gate room like that."

"Why not? I'm sure it would make the defense team's day."

Daniel closed his eyes momentarily. "Vala," he warned.

Her fingers walked up his chest. He grabbed them to stop their slow ascent. "You'll just have to lend me the shirt off your back then." Daniel looked down. He was wearing a short-sleeve button-up over a black dago tee. Everyone knew it would be a jungle planet, so the entire team had worn sparse clothing to combat the heat. He sighed as he took it off and draped it over Vala's shoulders. The pair began walking in the direction Mitchell had headed.

By the time they got to the gate, Vala had slipped her arms through the sleeves and was wearing Daniel's shirt like a dress that barely covered her bottom. She conveniently forgot to button it up. The other teams watched them discretely as they approached, having already regrouped at the gate.

The majority of the personnel were men, who had various smiles and grins on their faces. They refrained from crowding around her, seeing as how her own teammates were there. They could get a little protective and had every right to be so. The men watched her legs as she stalked by, ignoring the glares from Mitchell and Jackson. The two other women among them considered Vala carefully, though their looks were far from hostile or jealous. Daniel wondered about their thoughtful looks. Mischief was brewing in their eyes.

Someone brave from SG-4 called out, "What do you call that outfit, Vala?"

Facing the open gate, she turned her head and smiled. "Combat bikini."

* * *

A/N: You like? Let me know. There might be more to this coming. I'll leave it pegged as "Incomplete" for now and we'll see!


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: So I've taken liberties with Carolyn's character here. I prefer to think of her as a secret vixen. Her work demeanor is just for work. When she has the chance to relax, she's actually quite fun. Keep that in mind when she appears later. Hope you like.

* * *

**Combat Bikini: Chapter 2**

Things changed after the mission that became known as the Combat Bikini Mission (CBM). Vala's choice of swimwear was a popular topic in the commissary for a week. Word had gotten around. Every now and then, various personnel in the locker room would question Mitchell, Daniel, and anyone else who had been on the mission about what Vala looked like. Teal'c remained characteristically tight-lipped, though he did sport a funny smile when asked.

Vala herself enjoyed all the attention. That was no surprise. What did surprise Cam and Daniel, however, was the reaction of other women to the incident. They were sure that with all the attention and googly eyes the men were giving her, they'd call for her head to be chopped off. However, what they were observing was quite the opposite. And they couldn't figure out why.

Cam was the first to notice something going on. The two female Lieutenants who had been on the mission were seen loitering outside of Vala's door. They whispered conspiratorially as they waited for her to open it. Mitchell suddenly worried that something bad would happen. They saw first-hand what Vala had done. Maybe their feminism would get the best of them… and Vala. He figured the conversation would amount to something about women on the force being degraded or mocked by Vala's controversial two-piece.

He was too far away to stop them when the door opened. They each plastered grins on their faces and were invited in to Vala's quarters. Before he could get there, the door closed. He leaned his ear in to hear if there would be a shouting match or a struggle.

Giggling. He heard giggling! _What the Hell? _Mitchell suddenly felt embarrassed. He would rather not be seen trying to eavesdrop. So he strolled off, trying to act casual.

A week later, Daniel was walking with Vala in the hallway. They were headed back to his office after an hour-long briefing with General Landry and their team. Landry, by the way, had heard about Vala's outfit and did little more than warn her not to do it again. She was in the clear. As the pair rounded a corner, they spied two female officers approaching. Neither had been on the CBM, as it was now being called, but they both had determined looks on their faces. Daniel thought it a little strange that they were staring hard at Vala.

He opened his mouth when they met in the hall, but could say nothing as the pair of women hauled Vala up by the shoulders and began pulling her along with them. He looked back, mouth still open. She shrugged casually, feet dangling. They carried her into the elevator and the doors closed before Daniel could observe any further. When he questioned her about it later, she redirected his attention to something else and weaseled her way out of answering.

A few days after that, both Cam and Daniel walked into the commissary together. Teal'c and Vala were already at their usual table. They weren't alone. As the baffled teammates stood in line for food, they watched as three other women chatted away amorously with Vala. Teal'c simply sat silent, eating his food. The boys had to do a double-take when it looked like one of the women touched Vala's breasts, then her own. Teal'c didn't seem to notice or care.

It took a couple of loud shouts from the cafeteria worker to get them to pay attention to the line. When they finally had trays of food and were ready to sit down, the other women had said their goodbyes and ran off. Cam and Daniel looked at Vala funny. She ignored them. They glanced at each other and confirmed that _yes, that just happened_.

On various other days, Cam and Daniel began to notice strange displays between the base women and Vala. They would find them hugging, giggling, or otherwise shaking hands in the hallways. Every woman seemed to want a piece of Vala lately. The boys were beginning to have suspicions.

What furthered those suspicions was Vala's absence. When not required to be on a mission, at a briefing, or helping in Daniel's office, she was nowhere to be seen. The quiet while working was a welcome respite, but he was beginning to wonder about his darling assistant's whereabouts. He finally knocked on her door one afternoon to check on her. When she answered, she was only wearing a silky robe and wouldn't open the door all the way.

"You okay?"

"Yes, why?"

"I haven't seen you in a while."

"Aww, Daniel that's sweet. But I'm alright."

He tried to peer around her into the room. She blocked his view. "What are you up to?"

She took in a quick breath and smiled. "Oh nothing you would want to worry about, Darling." He could hear the secrecy and lie in her voice and gave her a suspicious look. "It's just an experiment. A _personal_ one." Daniel glanced down briefly at her in nothing but a bath robe and looked back up.

He took in a breath as if about to speak, but then decided he didn't know what to say. Or what to think. So he excused himself and went on his way. Cam met him up in the commissary later and they discussed these recent events over Jell-O.

"She said it was a personal experiment," Daniel whispered. He spooned some red gelatin into his mouth.

Cam spoke as he chewed on the green. "I saw Lt. Barnes leaving her room not long after you spoke. Something told me she'd been in there for a while." He waved his spoon at Daniel. "Something's going on."

"Yeah, I know." He swallowed. "_Personal. Experiment_," he repeated. Suddenly flashes of college students in dorm rooms went through his mind. Sorority sisters giggling. Half-naked pillow fights. The song,_ I kissed a girl_, started a feedback loop in his head. Other… things. "Oh."

"What?"

Daniel gave Cam a pointed look. Then he seemed to read his mind. "Oh man. You don't think?"

"I, uhh… wow."

"She flirts with all the airmen."

"Not lately," Daniel corrected.

Mitchell continued, "She used to come on to you pretty hard."

Daniel blinked. "Yeah, but that was… ages… ago." He cocked his head, thinking. "She _can't_ be."

"Well like you said, she's doing a 'personal experiment,' whatever that means."

"With, with, with the women on this base?" Daniel stammered.

"Some of them are pretty butch, you gotta admit," Cam said casually.

"Damn."

"Yup."

"But…"

"It sucks. Much as it shouldn't matter, we _need_ her just the way she is… was… or how we thought she was." Daniel couldn't help but mumble in agreement. Having a woman's touch was a requirement on SG-1. In Vala's case, her touch was very womanly. Her distracting charm had proven useful on more than one occasion offworld. There was something about Vala having a healthy appreciation of men that he liked. Not that there was anything wrong with her liking women. Right?

"I won't believe it until I see it… err… hear it from her."

Cam was too distracted by Carolyn walking in to respond. He got up to greet her at the lunch line, leaving Daniel there alone. Daniel watched as Cam flirted with her. She shyly responded with a smile, which was not really new. Eventually she grabbed two Jell-Os and left the room. But when Cam returned, he looked a little spooked.

"What?"

"She said she's busy tonight."

"So? Ask her out for another night."

"You don't understand. She's got plans… with Vala. They're supposed to have a 'girl's night in'." Cam held up appropriate air quotes with his statement.

"That doesn't mean anything…" Daniel hesitated, "right?"

"Jackson! The woman I've been trying to woo and the woman who you obviously want might be… might… be…"

"Don't say it." Daniel tried to ignore Mitchell's casual mention that he might actually have a thing for Vala.

Mitchell's mouth opened and closed, but no sound came out. He had done as he was commanded. Daniel dropped his head to his chest briefly. "That's it. I'm gonna go over there and get the truth. Wait here." He stood up and made to leave.

"Whoa, whoa, Jackson! You can't just barge in there while they're… you know."

"Who says they'll be doing anything but drinking wine and talking behind our backs? I'm gonna prove that we were wrong this whole time and it's just some big misunderstanding." Cam looked at him doubtfully. Daniel turned and muttered to himself for reassurance, "Right. Misunderstanding. A misinterpretation. An innocent mix-up. Innocent. Very innocent."

The whole time he walked the path to Vala's quarters, he was tugging on his shirt collar. Something about this whole situation had him very nervous. He arrived and thought about knocking, up until he heard a sound. It sounded like a female voice saying, "Oh." Not thinking, he opened the door.

Daniel stopped short. Carolyn was standing in nothing but a red set of panties and bra. Vala was kneeling before her in a bathrobe. By the way it was falling off her shoulders, he could tell she didn't have much more on underneath. Vala's hands were poised at the side of Carolyn's panties. The doctor herself was gesturing there.

They both stopped and stared at him when the door opened. Daniel immediately turned around, face red as an apple. The weight of the door had it closing on its own, trapping him inside. Carolyn and Vala shared a confused look.

"Daniel," Vala started, "do you need something?"

"Ahhhh, uhhh, I…"

The girls shared another look. Then they realized what this must look like and smiled. Carolyn stifled her laughter and grabbed another robe to cover herself up.

Daniel's back was still turned. He hadn't tried to escape the room.

"Daniel?"

"I was… gonna…" he struggled, "ask you something. I can… come back… later." He started breathing deeply to try and calm himself.

Vala padded toward him to look up at his face from the side. He was staring very hard at the door. "Darling, just get on with it and ask whatever it is you wanted to ask."

It was then that Daniel realized he no longer needed to ask anything. He'd seen what he needed to see. And he had no contingency plan for this because he was so sure he wouldn't see Carolyn and Vala half-naked and close to each other… like… like that.

"Iwa… I was supposed to ask… err, tell you that…" he paused in quick thought, "ah, that we have a briefing... tomorrow at oh-nine-hundred."

Because Daniel was so intent on studying the closed door, he didn't see Vala roll her eyes at Carolyn, who grinned back like a Cheshire Cat. Vala studied his demeanor. He was stiff, tense. Completely taken off guard. She decided to play with him a little. Vala leaned her lips close to his ear and turned on her sexy voice. "Would you like to see?"

Daniel's mouth moved but no sound escaped. His eyes darted toward her and saw the familiar expression of seduction he'd been privy to once or twice before. His mind told him, No!, but another part of him was too curious to leave just yet.

Before he could decide the outcome of his inner battle, Vala grabbed his arm and turned him around. She had to put a bit of effort into it because he resisted. Carolyn had moved in front of the bed, which was littered with her clothes. Her bare legs hinted at what was underneath that robe. Vala moved to stand next to her.

"Daniel, we need your opinion on something."

Carolyn shared a sneaky look with her co-conspirator. "It has to do with positions," she clarified. Vala nodded approvingly at her. _Good one!_ her eyes seemed to say.

Daniel started to breathe a little more heavily, making a strained effort to keep his face neutral and not betray the confusion and slight arousal he was experiencing. Slowly, Vala let her silky robe fall. He attempted to direct his attention to her face, but his eyes rebelled.

She turned so he could see a perfect profile of her body. She stood quite close to Carolyn, who acted casual. Vala pointed a red-nailed finger at the side of her own bright red panty. "Should the bow go here…" Daniel glanced down, not really hearing nor understanding the question. Instead he noted the creamy skin of Vala's thighs. She suddenly pushed open the bottom of Carolyn's robe, revealed her panties, and pointed at the area underneath the doctor's belly-button. "Or here?" She asked it as innocently as possible without breaking into a fit of laughter.

Daniel didn't notice their looks or their failed attempts to keep straight faces. All he could see were legs. Soft, smooth, delectable legs. And bright red panties. He couldn't speak. His face was as red as those unmentionables by now. His hands floated in the air unguided. When a finger seemed to stray in the direction of Vala, she clapped.

"Oh good! See, Carolyn? The side is the best position."

Daniel deliberately said nothing as he turned and walked out the door. The two women laughed.

In the hallway, Mitchell saw him rush out. He tried to call out to him, but the man didn't seem to hear. He watched as Daniel walked briskly down the hall and disappeared. Mitchell hadn't seen the shock on his teammate's face, for his back had been turned the whole time. He furrowed his brow.

Obviously, Daniel had no intention of telling him what he found out, so Cam decided to check himself. After further thought in the commissary, the Colonel had decided that Jackson was probably right. There was really nothing going on with Vala other than her usual antics. There shouldn't be any harm in a friendly knock on the door. Mitchell walked up to her quarters and rapped his knuckles on the door. When it opened, both women were wearing silky robes. Vala held the door open with an amused smile on her face. Carolyn looked a little shocked to see him.

Cameron cocked his head and got straight to the point. "What are you two doin'?"

He stepped in, uninvited, and Vala shut the door. She resumed her position next to Carolyn in front of the bed. "We're trying to make a decision."

"Decision?" Mitchell repeated before she could go on. He eyed them both.

"What's better?" The women nodded to each other then both let their robes fall.

Mitchell's jaw went straight to the floor.

Vala pointed again at her and Carolyn's panties. "Where should the bow be?"

Mitchell wasn't as dumbfounded as Daniel was when he first walked in. He had the good sense to survey the room before answering. Scraps of bright fabric littered the floor. Random pieces of thread were scattered about. Rumpled clothes were on the bed. Vala's combat bikini was hanging on the mirror. Underneath that was… _Well, I'll be…_ a sewing machine.

He looked back at the two conniving women. "You're trying to trap me."

They glanced at each other, and realized their trick wouldn't work a second time. The pair shrugged. Vala sighed lightheartedly. "Which one, Cam?" He took a quick look at both their panties, which he realized on closer inspection were actually swim suits, and pointed at Carolyn.

She smiled. "Told you," the doctor chided.

Vala pouted momentarily. "It seems we have a stalemate. We need to get another opinion to break the tie."

"Excuse me? Tie? Wait a minute, did Jackson see you two like this?"

They nodded innocently.

"What did he pick?"

Vala pointed at the side of her bikini.

Mitchell shook his head. Daniel had been right. This was all just a big misunderstanding. Then he realized something about what Vala had said. "Hey Princess, you can't just invite any old riff-raff in here to take a look. Not when you two look like this. People will get ideas. Naughty and unsanctioned ideas. The General would have your hides," he warned. He looked pointedly at Carolyn.

"But my dear Cameron," Vala replied, "it was _you_ who invited yourself here. And Daniel."

He didn't reply. Cam scrunched his face.

"It's okay, Cam, we'll just ask some of the other girls," Carolyn said. Then she added, "Discretely."

"Damn straight. And you," he pointed an accusing finger at Vala, "quit with the fraternizing with the girls in the hallways. It's been spooking all the testosterone around here."

Vala did a mock salute, clad only in her red bikini, and yelled, "Yes, sir!"

"And put some clothes on!"

"It's a swim suit. It's perfectly acceptable to wear," she argued. Meanwhile, Carolyn pulled her robe back on.

"Not here, it ain't."

"This is my room!"

"There's no water to swim in, Vala!"

"I know that!"

"Then why are you wearing a bikini in the middle of a mountain?" he shouted back.

"Because…" She stopped short. She didn't want to get in more trouble with Landry.

Mitchell crossed his arms and waited. Carolyn nudged her. "Just tell him. This is already getting too weird without us messing with Daniel."

Vala bit her lip. "I'm making and selling swim suits for the girls on base. This one is a prototype," she said, gesturing at herself.

"That's what the sewing machine is for?"

Vala nodded. Carolyn felt the need to clarify. "Most of us who work here have very little free time to go out and shop. Unlike Vala, here, who lives on the base, we have responsibilities elsewhere that need tending to." Carolyn paused to address her. "No offense, Vala."

The space princess grinned. "None taken," she said lightly.

Carolyn went on, "We have the cash. She has the time. So she makes us our bikinis."

"It _is_ summer," Vala added.

"Where'd you get all these supplies?"

"Muscles drove me to the store."

Suddenly it dawned on Cam why Teal'c didn't mind being surrounded by all the girl chatter the other day in the commissary. He must have already known it concerned Vala's little business.

"And that's why we've been seeing you all cozy with every other estrogen-driven member of this facility? They're your clients?"

"Yep."

"And you, too?" Cam gestured to Carolyn. She nodded. This whole time she had been perfectly comfortable standing there in front of him in nothing but a bikini on. He turned on a charming smile. He leaned in and asked more quietly, "Sooo, where exactly are you planning to wear these new bikinis?"

A pillow promptly made contact with his face.

* * *

A/N: I would like to continue this, but I'm still debating on where it should go. Hehe, I have an idea. It requires refining. Let me know your thoughts. Thanks for stopping by!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The knock on the door woke Daniel out of a weird dream. Something about camaflouge and water and lots and lots of skin. He mumbled that he'd be right there, but it must have been too quiet for anyone to hear through the door. The knocking sounded again.

When he checked the time, he found it was already midnight. He fell asleep after retreating into his room, no longer able to concentrate on work. Seeing Vala and Carolyn had certainly confused him more than explained things. He opened the door. There was Vala, dressed appropriately for once, and looking quite innocent. She smiled at Daniel's rumpled hair and clothes. Vala took advantage of his drowsiness, using a single palm to push him backwards into his room. She shut the door with her foot.

She smiled up at him.

"Can I help you?" he said groggily. He frowned at her in return.

"Darling, do you know anyone who likes girls?"

"Huh? What are you talking about?"

"Someone who likes girls. Like a girl who likes girls. That sort of thing."

"Wha… uhhh, I don't know. No, not really." He assumed she wasn't referring to herself, otherwise she wouldn't ask.

"Hmm." Vala sat on his bed. His eyes followed her, finding that she did nothing inappropriate nor overtly sexual as she moved. He almost expected her to, but he reminded himself that things were a little different now. His old assumptions didn't hold true anymore.

"I ask again: what do you want?"

"Well, I'm trying to figure out whether or not it is acceptable for a girl to be interested in another girl in a… let's say… sexual manner. On Earth, I mean. It's certainly a mixed bag out there." She gestured into the air, referring to the galaxy at large. "In some places you'd be killed for it. In others, it's as if you're nothing special. What is it like here?"

Daniel let out a small sigh and sat next to her. "You know I'd accept you no matter what, right?" He patted her knee.

She beamed. "Would you?"

Daniel shrugged. He was too sleepy to be dealing with a sexually confused space pirate. "Sure. You're still you."

"Am I? You wouldn't be the least bit disappointed if I were… you know."

"Ahrm… no," he said after thinking about it. He only half-believed his answer.

She leaned her shoulder into his. "Not even a teensy bit?"

"Why are we having this conversation?"

"I'm just trying to figure things out."

Daniel sighed. "Okay. Here on Earth being a lesbian is also a mixed bag. It depends on who you talk to and where you are. In some locales, for instance…"

"Ugh. Stop. I don't need a cultural lesson." Vala got up. "Thanks, Darling."

He grabbed her hand before she was half a step away. "Wait a minute. That's it?"

"Yep."

"You don't wanna talk about it?"

"I just did."

"Vala, this is serious. If you're ready to tell everyone that you're a…"

"Daniel." She stepped back and pinched his cheeks with an adoring smile. "Where do you get such silly ideas?" He couldn't reply with her hands squeezing his face. "Haven't I shown you enough how much I like _men_? Including you?"

He pulled her hands down. "Then what was _that_ in your room earlier?"

"My personal experiment. I told you."

"No, you didn't. Explain. Now." Vala sighed as she sat back down, only this time leaning against the pillows and plopping her legs on top of Daniel's lap. He didn't remove them and settled for staring sternly at her, awaiting an answer.

Vala went over the whole business of making the combat bikini for the mission, the rest of the base learning about it, and requests flying in from certain other women to get custom bikinis of their own. Soon it had turned into a full-time operation that required all her time to take measurements, collect cash and capital, and to actually make the products she would be selling.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"It's only a side business. I didn't expect you to care too much. And besides, I wasn't exactly sure Landry would approve."

"And somehow you expected all your clients, potential or otherwise, to keep their mouths shut?"

"What use would it be to bring up my bikini business in a briefing?"

Daniel shrugged. He'd give her that. "Well, regardless of how General Landry might feel about it, you could have told me." Secret relief flooded him at her revelation.

"Why?"

"Because…" Though he was wide awake by now, he tried to hide it by yawning. Maybe he wouldn't have to explain.

But she insisted. "Hmm?" Vala prompted.

He waited a beat, then said, "Cam and I were just starting to wonder."

"Wonder what?"

"Nothing."

"You thought I was a lesbian," she deadpanned.

"Only for a few hours!" he exclaimed, hoping not to offend her. "You gotta admit, it was a little weird seeing Carolyn in there with you."

"They're just swim suits, Darling! Why is everyone on this planet so shy to wear swim suits?"

"We work together! I should not be seeing my co-workers half-naked while I am at _work_."

"What if you're a porn star?" she said innocently.

"Arrggh." Vala grinned. He fell back in frustration, creating a perpendicular intersection of legs on the bed. "I don't even want to know how _you_ know about porn," he muttered.

"Since you're commenting it must mean that you actually _want_ to know."

"No, I don't."

"Oh yes, you do. I'll tell you. It all started when an airman knocked on my door…"

"Vala!"

"Yes?"

"Can we talk about something else?"

"No. So, as I was saying…" Daniel jumped up, scooped her into his arms, opened the door, and dumped her in the hall. She fell onto her bottom, hands splayed out behind her. From the floor, she looked up to see the door click shut. "Was it something I said?"

000

Their next mission brought them into contact with an SG team that had been offworld for some time. It was SG-1's job to check on the team and see if they needed anything. Under the blanket of night in a wooded area far off from the gate, the teams made contact. They kept moving as SG-1 received SG-17's report. Mitchell walked ahead of the group with the other team's leader. Daniel, Teal'c and Vala each paired up with a member from the other team as they walked. The idea was for everyone to share in case only one of them could make it back home to report.

The woman paired up with Vala was Captain York. "I heard you started a small business back home," she stated casually. Her eyes continuously scanned the trees.

"Yes. How'd you hear?" Vala kept a tight grip on her P-90 as she listened for any suspicious sounds.

"Met up with SG-4 two weeks ago. Deana mentioned it."

"Ahh. She was one of my first customers. She ordered a carbon copy of my camaflouge bikini."

The girls whirled at the sound of sticks breaking. Both their weapons aimed at the head of someone approaching. Their small flashlights revealed Teal'c and his partner. They sighed and waved the boys on ahead. Soon, they continued walking again.

"She loves the bikini you made her. She said her boyfriend loved it, too," York said with a sly smile.

"So I heard. She thought she got pregnant for a minute there."

York laughed aloud. Two flashlights shined in their faces. They belonged to Daniel and his partner. Major Caffrey from York's team shushed her. She looked appropriately chagrined but flashed Vala a wicked smile.

"What do you charge?"

"Depends on the request. Average going rate is $50."

"That's it?"

"A steal, I know."

Daniel cut in. "We're supposed to be discussing SG-17's mission," he sing-songed.

"We did," Vala responded. "Girl talk now. Bye, Darling." She pushed him off in the direction his partner was waiting.

York leaned in closer as they paced. "If you've got time, I'd like one, too. I'm off to Maui as soon as I get off this hell hole."

"I understand you've got two more weeks to spend here."

"Yep, is that enough time? I can pay you when I get back."

"Oh sure, sure." They continued on discussing York's size and how she was very similar to another major who was currently stationed on base. Vala agreed to use that person as a model.

Behind them, Daniel and Major Caffrey watched them with strange looks. "What in the Hell are they talkin' 'bout?"

"Vala's side business."

"She has a business?"

"Ye-ah…" Daniel said with a roll of his eyes.

"What's she sellin'?"

"You don't want to know."

Caffrey thought for a moment. Then his eyes lit up. "Say, I heard about that hot little number she wore on a mission last month. What was it… combat bikini!"

Daniel shook his head. How did a team this far away from home hear about that?

"Heard it was the talk of the base. I'll bet you had a hell of a time with it," he said, chuckling. The Major clapped him on the back.

"You don't even know the half of it."

A slight pause. "You two an item?"

"What? No."

"Why not?"

"Caffrey, we work together. We're on the same team."

"Bull. Y'all are civilians. It don't matter," he said matter-of-factly.

"Whatever."

"She's holdin' out for you, man." Daniel gave him a doubtful look. "I'm tellin' ya. Don't waste a golden opportunity. If she looks as hot as they say she does in a bikini with a gun in her hands…" The major let his comment fade so Daniel could mentally fill in the rest.

He was saved from having to reply when Mitchell called them back to the gate. Even from far off, they could see that the others had already arrived. Teal'c stood, looking thoughtful, as he watched Vala speak amicably with York. Mitchell was shaking his head at them and then continued chatting with the other two members of SG-17. Caffrey whispered as they approached, "Come on… look at that smile. She's beautiful, Jackson."

"That I'll admit, but I doubt that she's holding out for anybody. Vala's her own woman."

"Then you wouldn't mind if I took a crack at her?" Daniel leveled a glare that would cut the man to pieces if his eyes were made of lasers. Caffrey visibly shrunk back and took the comment back. "Whoa, I'm just kidding. She's all yours." Without saying another word, Daniel moved ahead. Behind him, Caffrey let out a breath and grinned.

The sounds of conversation floated closer as the pair got closer to the gate. "I wanted something pink, but not too pink. Maybe a little sparkle or some sort of design."

"Hmm, I might have some fabric that you'd like. How do you feel about stripes?"

York paused. "Actually, that might not be too bad. Could you make the shape of the top more like this?" She gestured toward her breasts, but none of the boys could make out what she meant. Vala, however, seemed to understand perfectly and nodded. "There was something else, too. Damn, I wish I could see a sample so I could explain better."

Teal'c took a step closer. "Perhaps there would be a way for Vala Mal Doran to share her designs in the future." Both women gazed at Teal'c. "Does Daniel Jackson not possess a digital camera?"

Realization dawned on Vala's face. Her smile grew slowly as the wheels and cogs began turning in her head.

"Uh oh," Mitchell muttered.

Daniel heard what Teal'c said and stopped in his tracks. Caffrey almost bumped into him.

"Darling," Vala sing-songed, calling out to him. They were still a good twenty feet apart.

While Vala began to harrass Daniel about the use of his camera, Mitchell tapped on Teal'c's shoulder. "Do you _have_ to encourage her, Teal'c?"

The Jaffa stood straight up. "It is healthy for each of us to have a hobby. That is a lesson learned from my fifty years on the Odyssey that I am happy to share," he announced.

Vala's eyes sparkled.

000

The team was seated at their usual table in the commissary. Everyone was munching away, talking casually. Soon, Vala brought up the latest news from her business. "So I borrowed Daniel's camera, and I must say, I'm not sure I'm satisfied with the results."

Cameron paused in his chewing. He looked up from his cereal. "Oh?"

"Here, take a look." Daniel wondered idly where she had hidden the digital camera. She pulled it out of nowhere. Cameron took the camera from across the table, but was hesitant to turn it on. He simply stared at it in his hands for a moment. Soon, Teal'c reached over and pushed the power button.

The display lit up. The camera was already in 'play' mode, and Cameron got a sneak peek at Vala's latest bikini before he was ready. "Whoa!" He put the camera face down. The surprise had come from the fact that Vala was _in_ that bikini. "Woman, I swear you are gonna give me a heart attack and a stroke one of these days."

"See? I knew it was bad."

Cam's eyes went wide. "No no! You look… _fine_. I'm just saying that walking around with pictures like these are likely to get us in trouble."

Vala sighed and picked the camera up off the table. "Teal'c, what do you think?"

She handed it to him. He manipulated the controls and scrolled through the shots. "It would seem they are adequate for the purpose of cataloguing your obvious talent as a seamstress. However, I am not an expert on the advertisement of female undergarments on this planet. Perhaps Daniel Jackson would serve as a better consultant on local customs regarding this practice."

The man in question looked at Teal'c strangely.

Teal'c attempted to clarify. "Do not most advertisements feature people in settings that match the purpose of the clothing they are modeling?"

"You mean if it's a swim suit, then they're at the beach?" Daniel asked. Teal'c nodded.

Cam leaned over Teal'c's shoulder to look at the camera again. "You took these in your room, didn't you?"

"I didn't know where else to do it. _Someone_ told me I can't walk around the base in my bikinis." Cam rolled his eyes.

Teal'c scrolled through the shots again. "These photos require better lighting."

"And for your head not to be cut off," Cam commented.

"Hey, I couldn't help it! I had to figure out how to make the camera flash on its own and then run to the wall so I could make the shot."

"You hi-jacked the Prometheus in ten minutes and you couldn't figure out my camera's time-delay feature?" Daniel teased. She hit his arm. "Ow!"

"The damn thing is more complicated than I thought."

"It would seem that you require assistance with this latest venture, Vala Mal Doran."

"Does that mean you'll take the pictures for me, Muscles?"

"No." Daniel and Cam laughed. Vala deflated a little. "But I can help you find someone who will." The boys stopped laughing and stared.

"There you go again with the encouraging!" Mitchell complained.

000

A plain manila envelope dropped on top of the book Daniel was studying. He looked up to find her standing in front of him, hands behind her back. She had appeared in his office without a sound, which surprised him. The look on her face was strange. She bit her lip. It was almost as if she was unsure of herself.

Daniel didn't say anything. He didn't complain that she had interupted his work or that she could have injured the very old text he was reading by dropping the envelope there. The woman had been MIA for the past couple days and he had been wondering what she was up to. It seemed he would soon find out the answer. He picked up the envelope and turned it over. It wasn't sealed. He glanced up at her to see if this is what she wanted. Her eyes were round as saucers in anticipation.

He pulled open the flap and slipped his hands inside. Smooth, flat paper. Daniel took out the sheets. They were photographs. Of Vala!

Daniel leaned forward. She was wearing nothing but the combat bikini. No gun this time. She was standing up, eyes looking off in the distance. Her two forefingers were slipped into the sides of her bikini bottoms. The background was some tropical landscape.

"Holy cow… Vala, this is…" He put the first photo aside and scanned the rest. The red bathing suit he had seen before was among them. "You made all these?" He continued staring at all the pictures. Each of them featured Vala in various poses and bikinis.

She nodded her head wordlessly.

Daniel held one closer to his face. "Did you use _my_ camera?" He doubted that his device could take photos like these.

"No." She didn't explain further.

He wasn't expecting all _this_. He scrutinized a particularly provocative photo of Vala in a bright blue two-piece. Provocative because the shot was taken from behind, with her looking back and biting her fingernail. His voice dropped into a dangerous tone. "Who took these pictures?" he said, finally looking up.

She could tell he was a little mad. Vala smashed her lips together. He put the photos down carefully and gave her his most direct stare.

"I hired someone," she squeaked.

"Who?"

"Some guy named Sergei."

"What? How do you know him?"

"I don't. I met him on the internet."

Daniel's eyes bulged. He stood up, walked around the desk and put his hands on her shoulders. He started very patiently, "You're messing with me… right?"

She nodded her head no.

"Vala! Do you know how dangerous that is! He could have been anyone. I mean anyone!" She cringed at his outburst. "With you wearing, wearing…" he pointed at the photos on his desk, "wearing _that_, he could have gotten the wrong idea! Wait a minute… did he hurt you?"

"No! He was perfectly professional."

Daniel looked at her doubtfully. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, of course, I'm sure. Or else Muscles would have flattened him. He was there, too, you know."

Daniel sighed in relief. If anyone could be an effective bodyguard, it would be Teal'c. "Oh." Then he shook his head. "Teal'c was there? You mean, like, watching?" Daniel wasn't sure how he felt about that.

"Watching Sergei. Okay, and me."

"Was anyone else at this photo shoot?"

"Carolyn."

"Carolyn?" he asked with surprise. "Really?"

"Well, I needed someone to help me keep all the suits organized. And to make sure I looked perfect in every shot." Then she whispered, "Plus, if Muscles had to beat up the photographer, someone would have to offer him medical assistance."

Daniel dropped his voice to a whisper as well. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Her voice went up a few decibels. "Tell you! So you could ruin all my fun and forbid me from going? No way."

"Then why are you showing me these now?" he yelled, matching her tone.

"Because I want your opinion!"

"About what? How dangerous this could have been?"

"No, which one is the best photo to put on the cover!" By now they were nose-to-nose and quite heated.

Daniel stepped back. "What cover?"

"The cover of my catalogue."

"What!"

"You know, like Victoria's Secret? Except my catalogue will only feature bikinis."

"You have got to be kidding me. Vala, don't you think you're taking this little side business a little too far?"

"No. Teal'c said a successful business should have an effective marketing strategy. The most successful business I know is Victoria's. She's a genius with advertising. I get conned into buying her clothes _all_ the time!"

"Victoria's not a real…" Daniel brought two fingers up to squeeze his forehead in frustration. "Nevermind." This woman would be the death of both him and Cam. And how the hell did Teal'c know about marketing?

Daniel sighed. There was no arguing with her on this. He could see she was committed. And when Vala Mal Doran set her mind to something, it would get done. If Landry ever found out, he'd wring his neck. The General had made him personally responsible for _everything_ Vala-related. This was definitely Vala-related.

"Daniel," she pleaded, now calmer. "Which one?"

"First, you have to make me a promise." She waited. "Promise me you won't hire any more random photographers, or any other service provider for that matter, from the internet!"

"I promise."

He sighed. "And you will have the SGC run a background check on anyone else you happen to encounter."

"Oh, I did that already. He was clean."

Daniel's mouth dropped open. "Huh. Teal'c's idea?"

"Carolyn's."

He cocked his head. Smart cookie.

"I promise, promise, promise. Now pick a picture!" She grabbed the photos and waved them at him.

He pointed. "This one." He had chosen the combat bikini.

Vala smiled. "Really? Why?"

"I don't know. You look good."

"Sergei said I looked good in all of them."

"Well…" Daniel scrunched his face. He couldn't believe he was in this situation. Of course 'Sergei' would say that. He wanted her money. "This one's not too… errr… stimulating… but it still shows off the swim suit pretty well. You don't want the cover to attract the wrong kind of attention." Why the hell was he giving advice about this?

Vala seemed to consider his opinion carefully then agree. She gathered up the photos and replaced them inside the manila envelope. Now looking thoughtful, she hugged the envelope close to herself. "I'm wondering if I should get other models, too. You know, like Victoria's Secret? I could trade their time for a free bikini."

Daniel blinked. She was serious. "Who would be your models? I mean, that takes money. You'd have to find people who would agree to all this insanity. What are you going to do, hire the SGC?" The thought was laughable.

Vala brightened.

"Oh no."

She nodded.

"Vala."

She pecked him on the cheek and ran out.

"Vala!"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"So I was wondering if you'd like to join us on our next photo shoot," she said casually over the phone. Vala had called Daniel at home, just before he was about to go to bed.

"Uhhh… why?" He cradled the cordless phone between his neck and cheek as he tried to pull off his socks. Daniel ended up hopping up and down, finally making it to the bed.

"You're the one who gets mad at me for not telling you things," she accused.

"That doesn't mean I want to participate in your latest scheme." Daniel plopped down on top of his covers and stretched out. He placed his glasses on the bedside table.

She guffawed and sounded insulted. "Contrary to your great mind's assumptions, this is not a scheme! It is a perfectly legitimate business venture."

"Vala, 'legitimate' entails getting a license from the government. Charging taxes on your sales. _Paying_ taxes!"

"Darling, my services to your government should be payment enough."

Daniel grumbled.

"And besides…" She lowered her voice to a whisper. "This is one of those 'under-the-table' type things. I'm sure you've never heard of it."

He brought a hand to his forehead and smacked himself slightly. "I _know_ what that means. I'm not completely ignorant you know."

"Good. Then you'll be the perfect accountant."

"What?"

"I need someone to look after my books, Darling. You're the perfect candidate."

"Books? What books?"

"The kind that involve money."

"Oh of course, the only kind that you like." She harumphed, but he paid her sound of disapproval no mind. "And why exactly do I get offered such an honorable position within your sham of a company?" he said mockingly.

"Well, for one, you're pretty smart for a Tau'ri. And two, I need someone I can trust to make sure my money is in all the right places."

"Golly gee, I'm flattered," he replied with a sarcastic tone.

She ignored it. "Daniel, please! Come to my photo shoot, and I'll have everything ready for you there. It'll be easy!"

"Go ask Mitchell!"

"I already did. He said he's busy."

_Dammit, why didn't I say that?_ "Vala, you're a big girl. I know you can add."

"But I don't have time! Between all the cutting and sewing and modeling and selling and marketing, I haven't any left to track my finances!" she whined.

"I do not want to be roped in to another one of your crazy shenanigans. I've already been looking over my shoulder for Landry since you cooked this up."

"But Daniel… I _need_ you!" The emphasis she put on the word 'need' made him pause. She'd never said that out loud before. Granted, she had never started a bikini business that required the tracking of large sums of money before. But still.

He groaned. She had him now. "Okay," he mumbled.

Vala squealed in delight. "Tomorrow, meet me at this address…" she said, rattling off an address in the city. "0900 hours, sharp! I'll be there with Teal'c. And I'll bring all my receipts!"

"Fine," he grumbled.

"Have a good night, Darling," she said cheerfully. She hung up, leaving Daniel wondering how exactly she had conned him into this one.

000

His morning was not off to a good start. Aside from spilling coffee on himself, he had also made the wrong exit off the freeway and had had to double back. Once at the address, he found there was very little parking available. He grumbled to himself the entire four block walk to his destination.

By the time he arrived in the warehouse where the photo shoot was, he was twenty minutes late. The steel door had nothing but its street number painted on it. No sign to indicate what this place was supposed to be. It was unlocked, so he entered. Daniel stuck his hands into his pockets as he walked down the lonely corridor he found. Someone had haphazardly put up some walls to separate the large building into sections. The drywall hadn't even been painted over.

At the end of the hall was a curtain. When he pushed it aside, he could already see the photographer at work in a large open space. He couldn't see anyone else, though. The wall to his right extended from the curtain about twenty more feet. A simple opening had been cut out of the drywall to act as a door. It, too, was covered by a simple curtain. He could hear rustling from within that makeshift room. Beyond that was the target of the photographer's constant snap-snap-snap, just around the corner of the room.

"Beautiful, darling," he called out in an accented voice. "Just like that." Click, click, click. "Give me a little smile. Yes. That's it…"

Daniel had paused just inside the curtain. Eventually, the photographer turned his head and eyed him. He stared so long Daniel was beginning to wonder if there was something in his teeth. The man seemed to consider him, then settle on something.

"You, come here, now," he commanded.

Daniel's eyes widened. Obviously there was no one else around, so he assumed that the photographer was talking to him. He stepped forward an inch.

"Come, come, don't be shy. You are late, but we will make work, yes?" The photographer walked over and pulled on Daniel's arm. Soon they were within sight of the photo shoot itself. Two women were clad in bikinis and leaning on some fake rocks. A false backdrop of a beach at sunset stood behind them.

Daniel's eyes widened when he saw them. "Lt. Castle?"

The woman on the left, in a yellow two-piece, gasped. "Dr. Jackson?"

The woman on the right, another familiar face, bit her lip. "Well, when Vala said we'd have inspiration, she wasn't kidding."

"Major Lyden?" The woman waved saucily at him. She almost seemed eager.

"Good, good, good, you know each other. Now, remove shirt," the photographer demanded of Daniel.

"Uhh… what?"

"Remove shirt! This is a beach. You must look like it! Ugh, and what terrible pants. Take those off, too!"

Daniel looked down at his jeans, then back up, outraged. "No!"

Behind him, Vala peeked her head out of the curtain. Her eyes went wide. She ran out wearing nothing but a towel and waving her free hand. "Sergei, Darling! This isn't the model I was promising you. He's my…" Vala stopped next to Daniel. "…assistant!"

"Excuse me?" Daniel said, turning toward her with annoyance.

"Then _where _is model?"

"I'm working on it…"

"I _need_ a male model, Vala-bear. These women need eye candy. They need sexy!"

"Vala-bear?" Daniel repeated with skepticism. She looked up at him with a sheepish grin.

She turned back to her photographer. "Patience, Sergei. Work with what you have. Isn't that what you're so good at?"

The photographer harumphed, camera hanging from his neck above his crossed arms. He released those arms to gesture wildly. "This one," he said, pointing at Daniel, "is perfect! If he is assistant, then make him _assist_!"

"What the hell is he talking about, Vala?" Daniel demanded.

"Shhh, let me handle this," she whispered. In a louder voice, she addressed Sergei as she walked toward him. "Darling, you know I wouldn't lie to you. You'll have your sexy male model, but you must be patient! You know as well as I do that it takes time to line up an appropriately talented male figure." She turned him back toward the girls as she sweet-talked him. "Just look at these two." Vala lowered her voice. "They've already caught a glimpse of my darling little assistant over there. Can't you tell they're just oozing with harmones now?"

Sergei cocked his head and stared at the two women. A slow smile dawned on his face. "Yesss, I see. Ah, Vala-bear, you are genius!"

She grinned back. "I try. Now back to work!" The photographer continued his efforts with renewed vigor.

Vala walked toward Daniel, keeping the towel held up around her with one hand. "I'm starting to think it's Sergei that wants a hot male model to look at more than he needs our girls to." She quirked a smile. "I think _he's_ a lesbian."

"You mean gay?"

"Sure, whatever."

Daniel looked up at the ceiling, searching for reprieve from this madness. "Vala, why am I really here?"

She turned on the sweet, innocent Vala look. "Because you're a good friend who supports the people in his life, no matter what the circumstances?"

He crossed his arms, waiting for a better answer.

"Okay, okay. So I had more in mind when I called. I would have been able to explain the whole situation to you if you'd been here on time."

"You had me on the phone last night. You didn't think to explain then?"

"Daniel, then you wouldn't have bothered to show up here at all. I couldn't do that, silly."

He rolled his eyes, making sure she could see his annoyance.

She grabbed his arm and led him back toward the curtained room. "Look, I do need your help. And I have a better job for you. No adding or subtracting skills required!"

"Oh god, what now?"

"Well I haven't been a goddess in a long time. But if you want to start thinking of me as one, that can be arranged," she said matter-of-factly.

"Not you!" She gave him a cheeky grin. Daniel grunted. How this woman frustrated him so easily was a real mystery. Worse than the 'meaning of life' stuff.

She led him inside of the room with a simple pull of the curtain. There was a large full-length mirror to one side and a couple of chairs scattered about. A rolling garment rack was filled with bikinis of various styles and colors. Daniel recognized a few of them from the pictures. Otherwise the room was sparse. The walls consisted of nothing more than cheap drywall that didn't even reach the ceiling. The sounds of Sergei encouraging the girls to look and feel sexy echoed in from the opening. He could hear the distinct click, snap, click of the camera.

Vala turned her back on Daniel and threw her towel onto a nearby chair. Thankfully, she had her bottoms on. But it seemed that her top, which was a very small tube, was falling off. "Darling, tie me up."

He hesitated.

"Daniel!" He stepped forward and grabbed the loose strings that would hold up her bandeau bikini top.

"_This_ is why I'm here! To help you get dressed?" The irritation was clear in his tone. He tightened the strings.

"Ouch, too tight. Loosen it up a bit."

He did so, but not without audible grumbles of complaint. Daniel tied the strings and secured them with boy scout knots so there would be no danger of her top ever falling off. That was the last thing he needed right now.

"Where the Hell is Teal'c?"

"Oh he'll be back. It seems that Carolyn slept in this morning. I sent him to go fetch her."

"Great. So I'm Carolyn's replacement?"

"Just until she gets here!"

"Anything else I should know about?"

Vala turned around to face him and put her hands on her hips. "Hmmm." The time she took to think gave Daniel a chance to survey her latest bikini. It was green with small white polkadots. With her bikini top being so... miniature… he had plans to ban her from ever trying to swim, or weild a gun, in that number. It was sure to fall off, boy scout knots be damned.

"Vala-bear! Get out here, now. Your turn!"

"Oh!" She jumped. "I'm up." She hustled past Daniel and out into the photo shoot.

Before he could exit, the two other models were walking in. Castle seemed a little shy, but Lyden found the prospect of Daniel being in there exciting. Her grin showed it. "So," she started, "when do we get to take pictures with _you_?"

His mouth dropped open. "Ahh, err… I think Vala needs my help." He swiftly made his way out the exit.

Daniel shook his head. This was insane. Issue him a crazy card, insane. He leaned on the corner of the makeshift changing room and watched as Sergei called out to Vala to try different poses. The whole thing was like one big joke that she seemed to be taking a little too seriously. He observed as she twisted her body this way and that, leaning on the rock, then not leaning on the rock. Biting her lip. Smiling. Looking dangerous. All sorts of poses. And all with the encouragement of 'Sergei, the gay photographer.' Daniel's head was spinning.

Noises from behind him were a welcome distraction.

"Oh. My. God." He turned around. Mitchell was standing there, open-mouthed, staring at Sergei. Carolyn and Teal'c were with him. "Teal'c, what the hell did you bring me to?"

"Is it not obvious, Colonel Mitchell?"

"I better get changed," Carolyn muttered. She disappeared into the changing room.

"Cam, did Vala con you into coming here, too?"

Mitchell finally noticed Daniel and scoffed. "No! I was dragged here by the big guy against my will!" He turned to Teal'c. "You told me you needed back-up!"

"Indeed it was true before the arrival of Daniel Jackson. I feared that he would not make an appearance."

Mitchell turned on a dangerous glare at Jackson. It seemed to radiate, 'Your fault.' Daniel just squinted with a dirty look of his own, not enjoying the situation much either.

Sergei paused in his constant camera clicking and stared at Cameron. Just as he did with Daniel, he studied him. Then he smiled. "Vala-bear! You really have good taste." He gestured toward Cam. "Come, come! Time to begin!"

Mitchell looked from Teal'c to Daniel, not quite understanding what was being expected of him. Teal'c donned a typical, blank Jaffa look while Daniel shrugged. Internally, though, the archaeologist was starting to enjoy not being Vala's only victim today.

"Ay, why you so shy? No need. You're handsome. Take off shirt and let's start!"

"Is he talking to me?"

"Yep," Daniel replied.

"Hell no!"

"Cam!" Carolyn shouted. She had appeared in a bright red bikini, the very same one she had accidentally modeled for Daniel and Cam a few weeks ago. It had a dainty little bow placed just under her belly button. "Don't be rude," she chastised.

He pointed at her. "Hey, isn't that…"

She grabbed his arm and pulled him into the scene where Vala was. The founder of all this mayhem finally had a chance to see Cam's face. "Hi, Mitchell! So glad you could come!"

Carolyn grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it off with ease.

"What the… woman!"

"Oh come on, you weren't this shy last night," she commented. Daniel started laughing.

Mitchell sent him a warning glance while being harrassed by Carolyn.

"Oooh," Sergei cooed, obviously impressed with Cam's physique. "Very good. Very, very good." He started snapping pictures.

"Wha… hey! Stop that!" Mitchell yelled at the photographer.

"Ooh a bad boy. I work with that. Go ahead. Get angry. Look mean. Grrrrr," he purred. His camera went into overdrive. "Caro, darling, give me badass." She leaned in with a hand on Cam's chest and gave a seductive, almost bored look to the camera. "Ahh, yes, good. More, more badass."

"What the Hell is going on!" Cam shouted. This display of anger only encouraged Sergei more. He continued snapping pictures.

Vala perked up, who had been lounging on a fake rock while Carolyn and Cam got the attention. "Congratulations, Mitchell. You're my newest model!"

He turned his head behind him to look at her. "I'm gonna kill you, Mal Doran!"

Carolyn forcibly turned his head back to the camera. "Cam, this way." Daniel started cracking up even more. Teal'c bore a rare smile of amusement.

"Teal'c," Daniel said between fits of laughter, "How the hell did you get him here?"

"He was already at the home of Dr. Lam when I arrived."

"You don't say?" The archaeologist grinned. "Our little boy is growing up."

Teal'c smiled. "Indeed."

The two women who had posed earlier appeared in new bikinis. Castle, who had been shy around Daniel, instantly gravitated toward Teal'c. She looped an arm around his. "Hi, Teal'c," she greeted seductively. The Jaffa looked down and regarded her strangely. He tilted his head in response.

Lyden was engrossed in the latest photo shoot. She bit her lip. "Vala!" she pretended to whine.

Vala peeked out from behind Cam and Carolyn. She hadn't left her position on the fake rock. "Yes?"

"I'm getting jealous!"

Sergei stopped snapping long enough to say, "Then come in, my darling. Join them! Threesomes are sexier! Vala-bear, let them have moment!"

Major Lyden quickly switched places with Vala, who had no problem being kicked out of the photo shoot. Sergei instructed her to lean in on Mitchell's other side, creating a symmetrical juxtoposition of male and female. Cam glared at her, but she took it in stride. Carolyn's mere presence told her that even Landry should be okay with this. It was only for fun anyway.

Vala, meanwhile, had disappeared into the changing room. Within seconds she was calling out, "Daniel!"

"What!"

"I need you!"

He groaned and uncrossed his arms. "For what!"

"Just get in here!"

He protested as he walked the few steps to the entrance. She was standing in front of the mirror, back toward him, and twisting to get at the knot he had made in her top. "What did you do to this frelling thing?" she complained.

"I tied it. Like you asked me to."

"Well, now, _un_tie it. I can't get it off."

"I don't understand how you of all people can't get out of a simple knot." Daniel moved behind her to work at the knot. "Geez, Vala, what did you do to this thing?" He had trouble untangling the mess of strings.

"It's not my fault. You tied it. Blame yourself."

He fiddled with the strings more until they finally fell away. "There." The rest of the material fell with the strings to the floor, leaving Vala exposed. "Gah!" He jumped and turned away before he could see anything. He shut his eyes tight as a precaution.

Soon, he heard her voice from the other part of the room. "Don't leave yet. I need your help putting this one on." When he looked, she was already at the garment rack holding up a very provocative bikini. Her back was to him so he didn't see her breasts. What his eyes did see, though, was the very BDSM-looking swim suit. It was black with belts and buckles that would serve no purpose in the water but to reduce one's buoyancy.

She covered her breasts with one hand and turned around. Her expression was blank. Innocent, even. His, was, well, shocked.

He loosened his shirt collar. That's it. He was in for it.

"Jackson!" Cam shouted angrily from over the top of the walls. "I'm gonna kill you! And your little pirate, too!"

A/N: I hope you're cracking up as much as I am right now! Let me know! Hehe…


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

The photo shoot ended after Sergei completed shots of Vala in her very dominatrix-esque excuse for a bikini. Cameron had stalked out ahead of the others, feeling strangely violated. Carolyn merely shrugged and went after him. Since Teal'c was their ride, he had no choice but to follow. The other two female models gave Sergei hugs and air kisses before leaving. Lyden made no effort to hide a seductive smile that was sent Daniel's way. Vala hadn't noticed, too busy packing up the swim suits. Daniel blinked, but did nothing more.

While he waited outside of the dressing room, he eyed the photographer suspiciously. Those last shots of Vala were too risqué. Sure to get both her and him in trouble. He couldn't trust a simple background check. It was no guarantee that those pictures wouldn't end up somewhere on the internet someday. And then what would happen?

He strode over to the table where Sergei was packing up various odds and ends for his camera. Hands in his pockets, he gave the photographer a hard stare. As if feeling the heat of his laser eyes boring into him, the smaller man looked up. His expression was one of questioning.

Daniel kept his voice low so Vala wouldn't hear. It had the added effect of making his upcoming threat sound more serious. "You are _not_ going to publish any of those pictures without Vala's express approval."

The photographer nodded wordlessly, clearly intimidated. "You mean _your_ approval?" he squeaked.

Daniel nodded. "Sure. Glad we had this chat." After that he simply turned around and walked casually over to Vala, who had just appeared with a suitcase and a purse. "Ready to go?" he asked her in a lighter tone.

"I assume my original ride has departed." She took a glance around for Teal'c, confirming her suspicions, then shrugged. Vala fiddled with something in her purse. She pulled out a tube of lip gloss and began applying it. "Sergei, darling. Thank you again for all your hard work. I just know this whole catalog will be a success!" she called out cheerfully.

The photographer offered a meek smile and wave. His eyes darted over to Daniel before returning their gaze to Vala. Her mouth quirked in reaction, but she said nothing. She smiled up at Daniel. "Let's go."

He took the suitcase from her and began rolling it out with them. "I was thinking of getting some lunch. Wanna come with?"

Vala gasped. "Of course I do! Oh! We can try that restaurant everyone's been talking about! We're already here in the city – it should be just around the bend!"

Daniel pushed open the door of the warehouse and led them out. "Uhhh, it's actually on the other side of town. But I guess we can go there. It's on the way home, sort of." Vala nodded happily.

They drove over to the restaurant, which thankfully had plenty of free parking, and went in right away. Vala had started complaining about her empty stomach as soon as Daniel had put the idea of food in her head. She was already ready to order when the waitress greeted them hello. As she ticked off a long list of menu items, Daniel glanced around. There was a bar in the middle, serving single men out to lunch. Likely construction workers with Saturday hours. He glared at them. They had been eyeing Vala as soon as she had walked in.

_This_ was why he needed to control her exposure. The woman was too goddamn attractive for her own good. As soon as the waitress disappeared to put in their orders, he spoke up. "So, what's the next step?"

"You mean with my business?" Daniel nodded. "Oh, Sergei has a connection to a publisher that he said can mock up a catalog for me. He told me he could have something put together within two weeks."

"_He_ was going to choose the pictures?"

"Well, yes and no. I would love to participate but we have a week-long mission scheduled…" The waitress appeared to serve them their drinks. Vala had ordered an apple martini, while Daniel settled for a lemonade. "…out of town." She winked at him.

Daniel leaned forward. "Don't you think it would be wise to have a say in how this catalog turns out? I mean, throughout the entire process, from start to finish."

"Sure, but when would I find the time? I've got deadlines to meet." She stirred her drink with the miniature straw it came with. "I have to settle with trusting Sergei to do it."

He sipped on his drink before continuing. "Since when do you trust random strangers?"

"He's not so much of a stranger anymore, darling. And besides, you're the one who taught me that I need to start trusting people."

"Maybe so. But this is not the best time to start." He noted her comment about trust and mentally filed that away for later. He'd have to clarify what he meant by trusting people. "_I_ don't trust him."

"Daniel, we've been over this. We ran a background check on him. He's clean. And you saw him! He's very dedicated."

"Yeah, dedicated," he repeated sarcastically. He sipped on his drink again, and Vala followed suit with a big gulp. He gently pushed her drink aside, hoping she'd get the hint and pace herself. "Vala… I want in."

"Huh?"

"Somebody needs to have control over what happens to those pictures. And if you can't do it, then I will." He was dead serious. Vala could tell by his tone and the look on his face.

"So… you actually want to help? With my legitimate business venture?"

He paused. "Ye-ahhh," he replied, suddenly sounding a little unsure. An alarm was sounding off in the back of his mind. His mental self quickly opened a panel and pulled out a control crystal to silence that annoying sound. Vala's antics were really rubbing off on him.

Her calculating stare slowly transformed into a bright grin. She grabbed his hand on top of the table. "Yay! Thank you, Daniel. You see? You are a great friend!"

_Friend_. What a strangely unsatisfying term. But Daniel didn't dwell. Their food had arrived.

000

A few days later, Vala and Carolyn were in the briefing room, overlooking the gateroom through the window. They were sharing an afternoon coffee together, and the briefing room had a better pot of brew than the commissary. It was Landry's favorite blend. So Carolyn used her daughter privileges to confiscate a mug or two. She'd also been using the opportunity to say hello to her father, whose good side she was trying to be on. It was a precaution for when he found out she was dating his top field officer.

From their perch, they observed Daniel helping SG-5 unload a cart of artifacts from their last mission. He was very meticulous, writing down each item on a clipboard before transferring it to yet another cart. No doubt Vala would have her hands covered in dust by the end of the day after helping him. "You know," Vala started, sipping on her mug of coffee, "he told me he wants to control the catalog."

"Control?"

"Something like that."

Carolyn smirked. "Uh huh. The catalog… right." They both giggled. Vala wasn't so blind as to miss her innuendo. "You know he wants you."

"Yes, I think I do," Vala responded lightly.

"Go get him, tiger."

"You mean 'tap that'?"

Carolyn blinked. "Vala, where do you hear things like that?" she laughed.

"From Cameron," she said casually. The doctor's mouth hung open. Vala grinned saucily at her.

"What from Cameron?" The man in question had walked in. Both girls turned to look at him. He received an evil stare from Carolyn. "What?"

Vala started laughing.

He shrunk back. "What did you do, troublemaker!" he called out threateningly to Vala.

"Cameron Mitchell," the doctor began with her authoritative voice, "what are you teaching this poor naïve alien?"

"Nothing that she doesn't already know! Naïve! Ha! That space pirate doesn't have one naïve bone in her body."

Vala elbowed Carolyn. "He's right, you know."

The good doctor shook her head at Cameron. "Every bone in _your_ body can be broken." He furrowed his brow. "Slowly," she said menacingly. He gulped.

Mitchell's eyes darted toward Landry's office. He wasn't there, thank god. "Babe, come on. What could I really have done to deserve that?"

"What's this I hear about 'tapping that'?"

"Frak, thanks Vala."

"Ahh, so you did say that!"

"Carolyn, I wasn't talking about _you_." The woman's eyebrows rose two stories higher. "Err… ahh, I mean, I wasn't talking about anyone!" He was becoming flustered, knowing all too well that anything else he tried to say to explain himself would end up shooting him in the foot.

She stalked over to him on the other side of the briefing table, leaning in to whisper in his ear. "I better be the only one you're 'tapping', mister. And it better be tonight." Mitchell suddenly grinned, liking what he was hearing. His hand was about to grab her waist when his eyes caught Landry walking into his office. He quickly pulled it away and jumped about two feet back. Vala laughed out loud again. Landry paused, having noticed, and opened the door.

"Colonel Mitchell, I was just looking for you. Sit down." Cam glared at Vala before moving to comply. Landry turned his head to see the source of the laughter. "Miss Mal Doran," he greeted.

Vala tipped her cup toward him. "General." Carolyn also greeted her father but left the room before she lost the straight face that was covering her naughty look for Cameron.

Down in the gateroom, Vala noticed that Daniel had finished his task. He looked up and made eye contact with her. How did he know she was up there? In any case, that expression said, 'get down here and help me… _now_.'

000

"Ugh. What _are_ all these things?" Vala dropped an old-looking piece of stone onto the tray, then wiped her hands with a tissue.

"Not sure yet. That's what we're trying to figure out."

Vala grumbled again. "I have yet to understand how this stuff turns you on, Daniel."

He rolled his eyes. "For your information, I don't get 'turned on' by artifacts."

"Yes, you do."

"No, I don't."

"Oh yes, you do." She pointed a cobweb-covered finger at him. "I'll bet you'd make love on top of a pile of dusty books if you could, too."

Daniel couldn't help but laugh about that. Vala grinned. He was finally lightening up enough to enjoy her jokes. The ones made at his expense.

When he didn't reply with a witty remark, Vala said, "Ha! I'm right!" He shook his head as he continued cataloging the artifacts. They were on opposite sides of his large work table, so Vala had to lean over for dramatic effect. "I'm sure I could arrange it, if you want," she said playfully.

For once in his life, he stopped and met her stare with a challenge in his eyes. A small smile quirked at the corners of his mouth.

"Jackson!" It was Mitchell, walking in to ruin their potential moment.

"What." Daniel's eyes returned to his work automatically.

"I need a word with the princess, here. Mind if I borrow her so I can threaten her life?"

"By all means," Daniel said, waving a hand in the air. "Just don't kill her. I kinda need her." Vala glanced at him and beamed.

"Sure thing." Mitchell dragged her away from the table. They didn't leave the room, so Daniel could hear what he was going to say. "Vala, about those pictures from last Saturday."

She perked up. "You want to see them?"

"No, I want you to _burn_ them."

"What!"

"I'm serious, woman. I'll get in so much trouble a court martial wouldn't be good enough for me."

"But…"

"No buts. Here on Earth, people sign consent forms for this type of thing. You never even gave me a chance to say no. You shanghai-ed me into that ridiculous..."

"It wasn't ridiculous!"

"The photographer was ridiculous!"

"No, he was not!

"Vala, he was nuts!"

"Oh you're just confusing nuts with gay."

"No, _I'm_ not the one who's confused. _You're…_"

"Guys," Daniel cut in. "It's taken care of."

Mitchell turned his head. "What are you talking about, Jackson?"

"I'm saying, it's taken care of. You won't be in the catalog."

"He won't?" Vala said in a small voice, slightly disappointed.

"No. And speaking of which, you know that black little number you wore last?" She nodded. "_So_ not going in the catalog, either."

"What!" she shouted, indignant. "That is an excellent piece!"

Cam crossed his arms. "Ha ha," he taunted.

Vala smacked his arm. She plowed him over so she could get right next to Daniel. "Why?"

"You should know why." He stared at her defiantly.

She pouted. "Tell me."

Mitchell sensed tension building and began to back out of the room. Something was telling him he was about to hear more than he wanted to. They didn't even notice him say, "Bye guys."

"Daniel! Why not!"

"It's too provocative."

"It's a swim suit. It's supposed to be!"

"Vala, _that_ was not a swim suit. That was lingerie. For the bedroom, not the beach."

"And who's to say I can't expand?"

"Oh, so now you're dipping into the lingerie business? No, that's just too much at one time. Trust me, if you want your business to do well, you've got to do things slow. It'll only bog you down into failure if you take on too many different projects at once."

Vala was about to argue that she had way more business sense than he would ever have, but the man had a point. Damn him and his overly large brain capacity. He could see that he had won her over. Her expression had gone from angry to deflated in two seconds flat. He laid a hand on her shoulder. "I'm telling you, trust me. You'll thank me later."

She offered him a defeated smile. And like a mentally ill person with multiple personalities, her look changed. The vixen had woken back up. Vala stepped closer, into his personal space. "Can I thank you now?"

Daniel didn't move away like he normally did. He was tired of denying this silent urge for fulfillment. "Now? No. Later? Hmm… maybe."

Vala blinked. She'd never gotten that reaction before. "Huh?"

"Exactly." Daniel smirked then turned back to his work.

Vala stood there, silent and confused. She shook her head and continued what she had been doing before Mitchell walked in. Every time she glanced at Daniel, he caught her gaze with an innocent look. Well, maybe not so innocent.

000

He had gotten her home and wasted no time pushing her against the wall so his mouth could devour hers properly. She sighed into their kiss, caught completely off-guard and loving every moment of it. His lips formed a tight seal over her own, breath hitching rapidly as he made expert work of both their tongues. Thus far, his hands had stayed at the sides of her face. When one hand started moving down her shoulder and arm, his mouth strayed to her neck.

"You brought me here under false pretenses," she said between breaths.

"You do it to me all the time. I'm just returning the favor," he muttered as he sucked on her neck.

"But…"

"Vala, shut up." His hands grabbed her waist and pulled her whole body into his. His mouth found hers again and initiated the most intense kiss she'd ever experienced. She was helpless but to give in to his strong body attempting to dominate her own with just a simple kiss.

"Was it the combat bikini?"

"What?" They had not stopped kissing. Her hands began feeling up and down his muscled chest.

"Which one of those outfits finally turned you on?"

Daniel paused and looked at her. "All of them."

"Oooh." His mouth crashed into hers again, but this time he started to lead her to his bedroom.

When they had gotten to his bedroom door, she stopped him. "Wait… we work together."

"What?" Of all frelling people to make that argument.

"Well, if you're going to be in charge of my catalog, I can't just sleep with you. Then you'd want to keep all those sexy pictures to yourself!"

"Are you nuts!"

"No! I'm just trying to think of my business before I go and…" He started unbuttoning her shirt. "Daniel," she whined, without making any move to stop him. He threw her shirt on the floor. Her eyes followed as it floated down soundlessly.

"Hmm?" he said, concentrating on her pants now. Daniel kissed her bare shoulder. He was slowly pushing her backward.

"We work together," she repeated.

"Yes, I know that."

"Doesn't that mean anything?" He had her in her bra and panties now. His warm, rough hands began soothing her back.

"Vala," he said in a low tone in her ear, "just let me do you. I guarantee you won't give a frak about anything when I'm done with you." His rough voice had her shivering.

She closed her eyes, took in a breath, and sighed. "Okay. I was just kidding anyway."

"I know." He lowered her down to the bed.

000

Mitchell could hear some sort of high-pitched squeal coming from Carolyn's phone. "What the hell is that noise?"

Carolyn waved a hand at him to leave her alone because she was on the phone. "When! Oh my god!"

"What? What?"

Mitchell was ignored. "Are you still there right now?"

"Babe, who is that?"

Carolyn covered the receiver with her hand and whispered, "It's Vala." She returned her attention to the woman on the other end. "Yeah, uh huh." She got up from the bed to walk out toward the kitchen. Mitchell stared after her, noting the black, lacy piece of lingerie which did nothing to hide her curves. The kind that showed off her hot piece of… Carolyn squealed from the kitchen. Cameron rolled his eyes. So much for tapping that anytime soon. It sounded like Jackson had beat him to it with Vala and now it was the talk of the town.

"Goddammit." He was gonna kill Vala. Again.


End file.
